I have to say, I am immensely disappointed that the WGA is striking right now. It's not that I do not support their cause, I work for a business which exploits its creativity as much as it can while compensating them as little as possible. I completely agree with writers wanting a piece of that 500 million dollar pie (see this video I posted earlier regarding the faux daily show recorded by writers at the picket lines). However what's really upsetting me is the disruptions in my weekly television viewing.
Yeah, call me selfish, I consider myself to be so.
But you know what, having to fish through all of the crap on the air right now, the few shows that I actually enjoy are the only solace I have to get me through the week some days when I'm rotting away at work. Mondays, the worst day of them all, the only way to get through a work-day sane is thinking about what awesome story twists Heroes is going to pack, or what hilarious catch-phrase Barney, played by Neil Patrick Harris, is going to surgically deliver to make me nearly piss my pants laughing. Or Thursdays eagerly awaiting the final episodes of Scrubs after 6 years of story build up and character development.
It's no fair to us. Yes, the writers should make their respective money for their talent. But come on!
So, in lieu of this strike that doesn't seem to have an ending in sight. I've decided to write up how I think things should end in the television universe on my favorite shows. These are in no way endorsed by the respective television shows, only by the limits of my twisted and corny imagination. So without further adieu...
HEROES
We just finally got to see what the Heroes were up to during the summer in between our viewing season. Now that we have those blanks filled up, let's see what happens from there, shall we?
- Micah and Monica start a duo crime-fighting team. They dress up in costumes, Monica like batgirl and Micah as the ridiculously ambiguous 11-year-old technopath. Together they paint the town red, white, and blue... in matching sequence fighting off criminals like the Hamburgler and amateur internet hackers. After cleaning up New Orleans, they decide to start their own nudie website with Monica as the star, in the footsteps of Nikki. Micah rigs every computer connected to the internet to hit his website and together they become the richest moguls in the porn industry, far surpassing Linderman's wealth.
- Maury never gets out of his nightmare that Matt puts him in, leaving him forever in a coma, and stuck in a 70's style apartment with nothing to do but watch 24 hour-a-day reruns of Quark.
- Mohinder and Matt finally make that lasting commitment and marry each other, Matt after being fed up with women after his wife had his ex-partner's baby. They adopt Molly Walker, who then becomes Molly Walker Parkman-Suresh, and move to the East Village where they live happily ever after.
- Nathan decides to jump back into politics. However, after abandoning his constituents after the last election, getting nearly blown-up, and becoming an alcoholic, he can't get any jobs in public office higher than the DMV. He turns back to alcoholism and dies of liver disease at a young age.
- Claire, being fed up with having to run around the country with her parents, brother and Mr. Muggles, reports them to Homeland Security and gets them deported to a secret detention camp overseas. With them out of the way she starts her life with West, but then realizes how much of a tool he is, and reports him to HLS as well. She eventually starts up her own ring of fight clubs and becomes the undisputed champion of Ultimate Fighting Championship for 60 years straight until she gets bored and retires.
- Bob, having seen the enough of the company, moves to Hollywood to become an actor and remakes Groundhogs Day, writing himself a bigger role this time around.
- After a string of attacks, Elle is considered a sociopath terrorist by the US Government. They subdue her using tranquilizers, and jettison her into space on a one-way ticket straight into the sun.
- Sylar kills Alejandro finally, then settles down in Texas with Maya and have little psychotic babies. Sylar gets a job at the local Dairy Queen, but then soon finds himself on a quest to stop Maya from being deported and becomes a lobbyist for immigrant rights in Congress.
- After Claire broke up with him, West becomes all emo, and one night while flying in the sky and crying over how sucky life is, misses the oncoming 747 and gets sucked into the engine fan like a pigeon.
- Hiro, deciding that saving the world over and over again will get old, goes back to Feudal Japan and finally gets a piece of the swordsmith's daughter. He later finds out she's pregnant, and when Hiro decides he doesn't want the child, but Yaeko does. Hiro takes the family job of swordsmithing and becomes fat, bald, and poor from the many children Yaeko pops out.
- Ando, still in the present time, misses Hiro everyday.
- Peter, realizing he has Adam's power already and doesn't need him, teleports him back to his cell. He then attempts to go back to the future to save his horse-faced Irish lass of a lover, Caitlin, where he contracts the virus and dies.
How I Met Your MotherTed finally meets his future wife. It only took 3 years. Some funny stuff happens in between and Barney sleeps with more women than he can count. The end.
ScrubsLaverne suddenly rising from the grave and changing her name to Shirley makes everyone realize she's a zombie. They all burn her at the stake outside of the hospital and roast marshmallows. Kelso finally brings Enid to the hospital where she decides to get a job. Bob subsequently abandons his position as Chief-of-Medicine and disappears to some tropical island with an army of Asian masseurs to do his bidding. Turk and Carla stay married and have a few more kids, Turk still mistaking her for a Puerto Rican even 35 years into their marriage. JD and Elliot finally hook up again. Their love is then tested by the Janitor, who challenges JD to a fight to the death for Elliot's honor. JD gets a restraining order and gets him fired from Sacred Heart. The Todd hooks up with Beard Face, and has an open relationship with Mickhead. Cox, finally accepting JD into his life, becomes the father figure JD always wanted. Then promptly moves to the other side of the world with Jordan without saying another word a week later.
The OfficeMichael still acts like a jackass. Pam and Jim realize they both hate each other, then begin fighting for Dwight's affection. Dwight still lives on the farm with Mose playing ping-pong and growing beets. Stanley finally gets a raise!
Bizzaro TV, you gotta love it...
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